RESOLVING THE LEDGER
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Todd Whitten remembers thinking he had everyone fooled.
Alcohol pulled at him as his football coaching career spiraled, yet Whitten believed he had it under control. His wife, Dana, sometimes encouraged him to get help. That just caused an argument.
"At that point, I wasn't going to hear anybody really," Whitten said.
He still won games. He still got jobs. But alcohol consumed more and more of his life. Whitten remembers drinking almost a case of beer a day at the peak of his addiction, always thinking about when he could get his next taste.
Fired in 2009 after five unsuccessful years as Sam Houston's head coach, he bounced from stop to stop, his reliance on alcohol trailing him the entire way: Offensive coordinator at Lamar , head coach at a Texas high school and UTEP as receivers coach.
Then Whitten got a call from an old friend, Tarleton State athletic director Lonn Reisman.
It had been 20 years since Reisman hired a 31-year-old Whitten to be Tarleton State's head coach in 1996. Whitten stayed one year. Reisman hired him again four years later.
The first time he took over the Texans, Whitten stabilized the program, which was in its Division II infancy. The second time at Tarleton State, Whitten transformed Tarleton State into a winner, winning the program's first Lone Star Conference championship and making the Division II playoffs twice from 2000-04.
Reaching out to Whitten a third time in the fall of 2015 carried considerable risk for Reisman.
Even beyond the unconventional move to hire the same coach who'd already left the school twice, Reisman knew about Whitten's reliance on alcohol.
He asked Whitten about it on the phone. Whitten pushed back.
Reisman wanted to hire someone he trusted. Whitten wanted the job. Tarleton State represented the happiest years of his coaching life. But Reisman wasn't sure. He needed to meet with Whitten in person.
When Reisman saw his friend again for the first time in years, he noticed Whitten's swollen face, his reddened cheeks. He didn't look like the man who'd twice elevated Tarleton State football.
When thinking back on that interaction, Reisman chokes up with emotion.
He remembers challenging Whitten, telling him he had a problem.
Whitten remembers the exhaustion from all the lies -- not just to others, but to himself. The conversation broke through. Whitten said aloud what he knew all along and wouldn't admit to himself: He was an alcoholic.
Reisman, who said he believes strongly in second chances, hired him anyway. It took multiple conversations for then-Tarleton State president Dominic Dottavio to be convinced.
But Reisman believed in Whitten -- both as a coach and as a man capable of turning his life around.
Five years and a few of the most successful seasons in Tarleton State history later, Whitten walked into Reisman's office with a gift.
He handed Reisman a coin – his five-year sobriety chip from Alcoholics Anonymous.
Whitten can trace the start of his relationship with alcohol to his playing days at Stephen F. Austin . The Lumberjacks won, and the players celebrated.
"Just part of being a college guy, right?" Whitten said.
Even then, Whitten suspected he handled it differently than others. He remembers feeling anxious for the next drink. As life moved forward and more stressors emerged, he went from a weekend drinker with friends to a daily consumer.
As expectations grew, especially when Whitten moved to Sam Houston in 2005 for his first FCS head coaching job, that need began to take over.
Whitten never experienced a losing season as a head coach before arriving at Sam Houston. He went 25-28 with the Bearcats, posting losing records in three of his five seasons.
Whitten remembers the inability to sit still. He was constantly anxious. He never got arrested. He doesn't remember drinking in his office or being impaired during a game. Addiction was just a noisy need that interfered with everything else for about a 10-year period of his life.
"It's hard to be good at anything when you're an alcoholic, other than the drinkin'," Whitten said.
The eventual call from Reisman represented an opportunity to go home.
Dana prepared for the moment when her husband would stop lying to himself. When Whitten told her about the job at Tarleton State and his need to get sober, she pulled a notebook out from under their bed where she'd scribbled the information for a few treatment centers.
"Once I admitted it, she was ready," Whitten said. "I can't say enough how thankful I am for her. She had every reason to pack up and leave. … I'm ashamed of myself for letting myself get that way."
Whitten checked into a rehab center. After checking out, he would drive some 100 miles round-trip every day from Stephenville to Weatherford in order to attend a 7:30 p.m. Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He went to 120 meetings in 120 days.
He made that long drive to avoid judgment. To avoid pity. It's one thing to admit something to yourself. It's something altogether different to tell the world.
Eventually, Whitten called a team meeting.
Whitten didn't really know his players well at that point. He was a first-year coach. He inherited the roster. But it was there, around his team, that Whitten spilled his soul for the first time.
He spoke of his addiction. He admitted his shortcomings. He told the story of the shakes and sweats as he cut himself off from the drink. He spoke of being like them at one point, drinking during college parties, and how allergic to alcohol he turned out to be.
"The words finally came out of my mouth," Whitten said. "It was the best feeling."
When Whitten finished, his team clapped. Everyone hugged him on the way out.
A few weeks into his sobriety journey, Whitten remembers feeling scared he'd relapse.
That's when Dana suggested they attend church. It was never really Whitten's thing. But he gave it a try, picking Timber Ridge Church, where many of his players already attended weekly.
Church service is now a pil...
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