Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter the Mar-a-Lago in Heaven

Lindsey, Mr. President, I would argue in my mind, probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago. It may even be a little bigger. He may have a little more gold in the Oval Office in his mansion in heaven, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he added one big, beautiful ballroom and an arch somewhere on the property because he would want to obviously duplicate his dearest friend in life, you, Mr. President.

— Sean Hannity, at Senator Lindsey Graham’s funeral

The Mar-a-Lago in heaven is even bigger than it looks. But it’s less crowded than it might be, considering that it’s the Mar-a-Lago in heaven .

Look at the chip-and-putt golf course! Admire the vista stretching from the sea to the lake. There is croquet. There is European-style terrace dining. And six tennis courts! Or pull back from Mar-a-Lago and observe the Reflecting Pool (perfectly American-flag blue), the arch, the Oval Office. This is it—the perfect way to spend eternity!

It isn’t an insult to consign a soul to Mar-a-Lago for all time. This premier final destination received the “coveted” Six Star Diamond Award for its “leading hospitality” in 2008—a fact that the club’s website still boasts. Just look at the amenities. The food here is the best. The chocolate cake at the Mar-a-Lago in heaven is even better than the one Xi Jinping enjoyed at the Mar-a-Lago on Earth while President Trump talked about bombing Syria. (You can’t drop bombs from here, but there is a button you can press for unlimited Diet Cokes.) Many such treats are available! Enjoy the president’s playlist, the most wonderful playlist in the world: The Phantom of the Opera and “Nessun dorma” and “Tiny Dancer” and “Y.M.C.A.” They never tire of playing “Y.M.C.A.”! It is heaven, after all.

For entertainment, giant TVs play Hannity and Meet the Press , 24/7! Or if you want to read, you’re in luck: There are classified documents too, lying around in cardboard boxes. You can spend forever paging through them if you like. If you get bored of state secrets, visit the ballroom. It is so big and so secure, secure as a fortification. To keep something out? Or to keep something in? No, no one would ever wish to escape this heaven, a heaven interior-decorated according to the wishes of Donald J. Trump. It is good to be here for all eternity.

Sometimes the sky gets very thick with smog, but that is just because they are burning clean coal. No horrible windmills here! Sometimes you hear coughing, but that isn’t your concern. How long has it been since you heard birdsong or genuine, unfeigned laughter? No matter—why don’t you admire the gold finishings? So many gold finishings! Just when you think you are done admiring them, more sprout up! You can also admire the arch, or what you can see of it. It’s huge, too tall for you to make out the top. It seems to pierce through the roof of heaven itself. Looking at it makes you feel dizzy and disoriented, and you start to feel that you cannot tell up from down. Are you looking down from a great height or up at a great height? Where is your compass? You should have packed your compass!

No! It is all right. You are all right. Only a true compass could have steered you to such an exclusive place as this. Mar-a-Lago is heaven, and heaven would be incomplete without Mar-a-Lago. To say so is not to flatter power but to speak from your heart, as Sean Hannity knows. And in heaven a true heart is always rewarded. And so, of course, here you are.

Perfect bliss, of course, to spend eternity haunting another man’s marble halls. Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven? That’s the devil talking! He didn’t know Mar-a-Lago was an option.

Indexed and credited by AIPROPX. Originating outlet: The Atlantic. Open at source →